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Believe and see — a Psalm of Faith

“I believe I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be strong, and may your heart be stout; wait on the LORD.”

Psalm 27: 13-14

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Today. This week. This month. Life hasn’t settled into a rhythm here as I would have wished for in a new year. We’re dealing with multiple health complications on the home front that keep turning things upside down. Here’s a peek inside.

This day for me —  such  a roller coaster of emotions and busyness. Left home bright and early after feeding the fire, three people and three cats. Then time with my lovely friends, our brief  15 minutes together before we start our homeschool community day.  Our group includes several immune compromised members. Grief and joy and faith all profoundly concentrated in one room. What would I DO without these ladies with whom I laugh, love, and unashamedly bawl my eyes out?

My classroom is the prayer room this year. Holy ground.

While I prepare, the children come bouncing in.

Lovely little one with shining eyes, not knowing that daddy is stage 4 cancer. OH, MY! The board is full today, tutor.

SO much to learn.  YES! And you are SO smart! (and please, Lord, let her daddy live to revel in his smart, beautiful child.)

If only those walls could speak.  Another of my mommas is holed up alone at home because her body just cannot handle even ONE more toxin. I haven’t seen her all year. (I get to love on her sweet little son, an only treasure like my girl.)  We laughed, loved, and learned together today.

My heart saw his daddy twisting the doorknob with his shirt-tail to enter and exit this morning. I get it. GERMS. He cannot bring one of those evil creatures home to his frail young wife. Sound familiar, caregiver?

There’s not a minute to waste as now the middle school kids need my help in their classroom, my daughter’s class.  So, I’m not prepared for the lunch-time call. Funeral tomorrow. Can you be there?

Time stops for no one!  I scramble to rearrange and make the schedule work. Another victim of stage 4 cancer. I have to make time to mourn with God’s people and celebrate heaven, too.

Then back to tea and scones, homemade strawberry jam and cream. Laughter at  the middle school boys like bulls in a china shop drinking tea because they completed reading The Secret Garden. Who knew boys could enjoy this? Fake British accents. Moments to savor.

Not a moment of quiet on our way home, either. Through the downpour,  Mr. Roy G Biv appeared.

We could only see one end of his fabulous coat of many colors. For twenty minutes, my daughter’s happy chatter sparkled with sprinkles of “LOOK! Look at that rainbow.” Then the whole marvelous bow burst through the dark, gloomy clouds.

The Psalms alternate like that rainbow with only one glorious hint showing  in a darkened sky. Why? Why are you downcast, my soul? Hope in God.

Then a burst of dazzling praise! There is no God like you. All other gods are useless idols, but the LORD made the heavens.

My 2018 bullet journal is headed with Psalm 27:13-14 from the top of this post. Underneath it, I’m adding Mark 9:23-24 from last week’s sermon text.

“Jesus said, “If you can believe, all things are possible to hm who believes. Immediately the father of the child cried out with tears, LORD, I believe. Help my unbelief!”

 

As the pastor taught last week, the context of this statement of Jesus was a noisy disagreement between His disciples and religious teachers of that day. Caught in the middle of this doctrinal dispute a brokenhearted father wanted just ONE thing. Healing for his son.

Jesus shuts down the dispute, and turns a listening ear to the words of the needy father. He asks a question. The father’s response is a desperate cry for help. … “But IF You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus responds, “IF you can believe…”

 Jesus, I’m not sure I can believe “good enough”, said this ordinary, truthful man. So, please, help me believe. The story is about true faith, faithless, blind religious arrogance, compassion, and utterly about Jesus and His divine power.

When I think about what actually happened in Israel that day, it takes my breath away. Instantaneous relief from pain, fear, shame, and torture — what a breath of heaven on a broken family!

But His disciples were puzzled. Why couldn’t we heal his son, Jesus? You gave us power to heal before. “This kind cannot come out except by prayer and fasting,” Jesus responded.

Yet Jesus had simply spoken His words and commanded healing. No eloquent prayer. His powerful Word was enough.

In the beginning was the WORD. And the Word was with God. And the Word was God. All things were made by Him. Without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and this life was the light of men. (John 1… )

This ties in so very beautifully with my Psalm of faith for this year. What will His goodness look like played out in my life? I have no idea, really, except for that beauty that breaks through the clouds. My security is all wrapped up in the Father’s love for me, His daughter.

Will He speak His Word and all pain and sorrow instantly be banished from my life? I’m fairly certain that’s not what the whole counsel of His Word actually promises. In fact, trials and tribulations are one of Jesus’ promises to His disciples. Reality check!

Strength and joy and provisions for each day, please, dear LORD, along with faith to face each new day without fear …

Wisdom to choose the right path and not to quench His Spirit. May I have compassion, like Jesus, that never runs dry. On my own, my well runs dry quickly.

Grant me great courage, Jesus, like sweet Jess, to face the daily pain I see and say, I will believe. I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living. Her view of the land of the living is now infinitely better than mine, for she has reached the Shining City.

Thanks for taking a moment to stop and reflect with me. Some of you have shared your stories with me. I treasure that. Believe with me. Take courage, dear heart!

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Original sin — why we suffer

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God my Creator brings me comfort through His creation!

Took my coveted walk through the fall woods this week. So much beauty on a trail created a few hundred years ago! Osage orange trees line the walk to the Wye River. Early settlers used this trail to buy and sell goods ferried to and from Baltimore and Annapolis. Now it is a barely used, oft forgotten by-way only enjoyed by nature lovers.

The short trail was long and painful for my loved one.

These days are full of pain and sorrow for both of us — a year out from the cancer diagnosis. Nothing will ever be the same for us in this life. Cancer surgery was brutal.  We will likely not grow old together.

 Yet creation and the Creator cheer us on. Mad chaos did not reign for millions of years. We’re not creatures of time and chance. And God didn’t create this pain, suffering, and death.

The doctrine of creation, original sin, and the fall of man gives us hope. WHY?

Just as surely as God proclaimed judgments of pain, suffering, and death on those who ruined His beautiful, perfect creation —  so surely He promised redemption and mercy!

As caregivers for the chronically ill, we see pain and suffering almost every single day.

If you live with it, you feel its reality like the twisting of a knife!  Knowing suffering is a temporary curse for those who love God heals those wounds.

If you believe and have this  amazing faith that you are part of some cosmic accident, then there is no hope in your future.

Nothing really matters.

Suffering is all the more brutal when you believe that you should just eat, drink, and be merry — you’re gonna die anyways. The Grim Reaper gets us all. True!

That old serpent the Devil would have you believe that this is all there is to life. He fools millions into eternal Death.

He’s hungry for the souls of men. He’s fat with the slaughter and destruction and death all around us.

Just as God served up justice on the ruination of His beauty and good work in the Garden, so He is faithfully redeeming His fallen creatures who call upon Him.

“Truly, truly I say to you, whoever hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has eternal life and shall not come into condemnation, but has passed from death into life. Truly the hour IS COMING and is now here, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live…

Do not marvel at this.

For the hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come out — those who have done good to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil to the resurrection of judgment.” John 5:24-29  

The cycles of the seasons remind me that death and rebirth — new life in Christ, is the grand drama of His triumph over Satan and original sin. “It is not death to die, to leave this weary world…”

Our sin is no match for His abundant pardon and grace!

Praying His grace will triumph in your life and mine this week on our journey Home.

 

Joy unspeakable at the journey’s end…

Joy unspeakable at the journey’s end…

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Peter was told by Christ that he was going to have walk on a path he didn’t want to go on when he got old. He received a rare gift — insight into his own future.

Church history tells us he was crucified upside down. He asked to be turned upside down, saying he didn’t deserve to be crucified in the same position as His LORD and Master.

How many caregivers are walking on a path we would never have chosen willingly?

About six months into my marriage a wise and lovely older lady at church looked at me and said, “This wasn’t what you signed up for, was it?”

Hospital stay, doctor’s visits, jobless, sick husband, and no diagnosis it was terribly frustrating position to be in.

My friend didn’t pretend to understand all about my situation, but her words of kindness and sympathy have traveled with me all these years.

Did I mention I was pregnant?

Being pregnant was both the fulfillment of a long-awaited desire and my worst nightmare at that point. I was so excited AND scared.

How was I going to provide for our child on single salary?  What on earth was wrong with my husband? Why couldn’t he just pull it together?

Our car was repossessed in the middle of the night — actually due to no fault of our own.  Our payments showed as debited from our bank account and the credit company didn’t receive them. The bank admitted the payments were set, but neither bank or credit company would take responsibility for payments “lost in cyber-limbo”. A lawyer told us we could never win a fight against two big companies with deep pockets.

In fact, now the credit company asked for about half of what was owed in order for us to get our car back.

Utterly impossible to cough up that money in our situation! We were paying out of pocket for specialists’ visits on a very small salary.  We lost our car.

Being repo’d in Maryland is akin to organized thievery. We had valuables inside that car that were never returned to us. We lost our car AND the belongings inside.

Amazingly our credit score was clean because the bank admitted it wasn’t our fault. It just wasn’t their fault, either, according to them.

My personal opinion is that the credit company and the repo company were in cahoots. Thieves. Enough said. Their day in front of a just Judge is coming.

Then our landlord decided to sell the cheap apartment house we were renting. The new owners decided to fix the foundation and jacked up the house too swiftly.

Yes, we were living there. My husband was sick in bed when the walls and floor began to heave.

One week before my daughter was born, I came home from work to crooked doorframes and cracks that ran along the joints of wall and ceiling. It looked like an earthquake had hit.

Miraculously, we qualified for a small home loan, due to no car payment and a decent credit score (and looser lending rules)!

God took care of us despite the cruel and unjust loss of our car. Thankfully we still owned an old beater car that was completely paid for.

A week after our daughter was born, we moved. God has kept this roof over our heads for almost 13 years.

There has been nothing easy about this journey, though. Not one single easy year! However, our Good Shepherd has never, ever left or forsaken us.

Peter speaks pointedly and lovingly, too, about fiery trials. He faced a hostile government, spent time in prison, and ended up giving his life for his faith in Christ.

You have had to suffer various trials, in order that the genuineness of your faith, which is more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tried by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

           Whom having not seen, you love; and in Whom, though you do not see Him now, you believe and you rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory, receiving as the result of your faith the salvation of your souls.” I Peter 1:6-9

While we hold on to hope and reach for moments of joy, the only true joy is found in loving Jesus.

Ah, the other piece of sage advice from my lovely friend.  “Not what you signed up for? Just know your husband can never meet all your needs. You need to be satisfied with Jesus.”

She then told me how poor and broke they were in their first year of marriage. No baby crib, just a blanket folded into an open dresser drawer for their little one.

 I’ve forgotten the other details but it was clear –  her first year of marriage wasn’t what she signed up for.

One of these days we’re going to meet our perfect Bridegroom. Peter describes this as “joy unspeakable and full of glory”.

It just doesn’t get any better than this. The best is yet to come!

We already know how much He loves us — freely, fully, without any good reason to love us. He just does. He has told us that nothing can separate us from His love. He’s committed to us for the long haul.

I’ve had three ladies tell me personally in the past few years how their husbands just decided they were done with the marriage. Just done and up and left.  No more relationship.  The pain in their eyes ripped at my heart.

At points in caregiving, you may feel like your husband’s left you in another senses. One dear lady put it this way, “My husband after his injury just checks out. It’s like he’s stopped trying!” She felt so very alone.

Chronic illness is a physical and mental battle. So is caregiving.

I wouldn’t trade places to experience the pain and physical suffering.

But being a loving caregiver is also an excruciatingly fiery trial at times. Anyone who says differently hasn’t walked in our shoes for very long. Probably never.

You and I are left scrambling to keep all the ducks from tumbling over the Niagra Falls.  Forget keeping the ducks in a row!

The only one Who truly understands is Jesus. It’s a good thing He’s our High Priest and no one else. There isn’t another living soul I’d trust to intercede for me before God.

“For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize wiht our weaknesses, but One who was in every sense tempted like we are, yet without sin. Let us then come with confidence to the throne of grace, that we might obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

Christ is our sympathetic Bridegroom. He already has His ear and heart tuned to hear us. We have His full and undivided sympathetic attention when we enter into His Presence. How often does that happen in this age of cell phones and technology?

The road we wouldn’t have chosen is taking us to glory — where we will see our glorious Jesus face to face.

“I Can Only Imagine” was played at my sister’s funeral last year.

Can you imagine? Love like no other awaits at the end.

 

 

 

enCOURAGEment for lonely caregivers…

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Confession: I recently got razzed by my husband for indulging in a bit of southern gospel.

To be fair, I returned the favor by mentioning his return to his childhood roots. This genre of music, ahem, largely focuses on how sad and lonesome you are because your lover left you in the dust, the dog died, the bills are piling up, and the old pick-up truck’s run its last mile. 

To tell you the truth, my life kind of looks like his genre of music.

When I got a request from a reader for a post on the lonely side of caregiving, it hit an instant chord with me. If you’re a long-term caregiver, it’s especially true. I was reminded again that caregivers deal with this constantly, but we aren’t the only ones feeling lonely!

One of my senior saints told me again this week for the upteenth and maybe last time, “It’s a great life if you don’t weaken.”

She and her husband have walked with Jesus for more than forty years. They’re in their eighties. He’s faced two bouts of cancer. Since December her husband has been in and out of the hospital.  Last week, their only nearby daughter was in the ICU while they were packing and moving into a senior apartment.

I sat and cried and hugged her. I have never seen her so sad and lonely. “My daughter’s been my rock. I’ve leaned on her a lot. She would be right here helping me today. Now I don’t even know what is wrong with her!”

All the while, her home of more than forty years was suddenly being torn apart like a living plant being ripped up by the roots. This lady has literally kept most things in the same spot for the past ten years that I’ve done housekeeping for them. Every. Single. Item.

My tears dripped and mingled with hers. I wonder if her heart will ever recover from this dual shock. Yet, I pray in hope – hope for her and for myself.

Where is the hope in this, you wonder?

If you’re at all like me, no one near you know really  understands your struggles as a wife to a chronically ill husband.

At home you don’t share your struggles because you don’t want to further depress your struggling spouse.

You certainly don’t want to discourage your children, if you’re a parent.

There’s no human being to talk to, you feel like, who will listen with compassion and not criticize your already bruised heart. However, like me, you have friends. Christian friends who love the Lord — they express their care and compassion in the ways they know how.

But you are too busy trying to survive to get to their Bible studies, their ladies’ nights out, etc., because you are literally doing the job of two people at home. It’s incredibly hard to find time to invest in other relationships.

Jesus is our only true hope in loneliness. My relationship to Him is my top investment.

His hands have made and fashioned me. (Psalm 139) He knows my every move and my every thought. Have you read this passage lately? Put your name into it as you read!

I can pour out all my feelings and needs to Him without shame, because He already knows what I’m struggling with at the moment.

When I do have shame because of sin, I can freely confess this and be freely forgiven. His wounds have paid my ransom.

While we can never receive from another human being this level of understanding, we should not cut ourselves off from Christ’s body, either.

We want to let Christ make us better, not allow ourselves to be bitter.

We have to be willing to continue to love Christ’s body even when it’s messy, even ugly, and imperfect, just like us.

Some things you just cannot share.

Some things will never be understood by someone who has never walked this road.

But share what you can. It takes courage.

Be willing to have some vulnerability. Be willing to say to that friend who asks how things are going, “Yes, life is incredibly challenging. Pray for me to juggle wisely! Or, pray for this upcoming doctor’s visit to actually be worth our time and effort.”

I recently told a friend that my husband has been walking through a very dark valley. She knew this partially already because of some things he had (unwisely) posted on the internet. Sigh.

But, she didn’t know the whole story. I couldn’t and won’t tell her everything, but I did share what I could. If she could see the whole picture, like God does, her perspective would be very different. She’s not God. Neither am I. But I’m the one person on earth that should have the most compassion and understanding for my husband. That’s what Jesus wants from me.

Even Jesus’ closest friends fell asleep during his hour of deepest need. Peter even betrayed him. Jesus does understand loneliness.

I’ve come to understand you have to choose your “inner circle” wisely. Shut out the negative. Shut out those who think they’re helping by criticizing, at least in the sense of limiting contact. But make sure you also keep those close to your heart who truly love Jesus.

Soak yourself in what is true, lovely, and right. Once again, may I recommend the Psalms?

True love and understanding waits for you right here. There is not a sorrow or struggle you feel that isn’t mentioned in the Psalms.

I also love the book of John where Jesus gives out the different I AMs.  I am the Bread of Life. I am the Living Water. I am the True Vine. I am the Good Shepherd. I am the Light of the World.  All I need, He is.

Then there’s Isaiah. The gospel and Jesus are so clearly seen in this book, it’s amazing. Parts of it read like a Psalm. For sure, the prophet knew his Messiah!

The Word. The Church. Christ’s Bride. I find these to be true cures for loneliness. I hope this helps you battle loneliness, too. How may I pray for you this week?

 

Washing feet with Jesus…

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Dear caregiving sister,

Did you know that you’re following in the way that Jesus taught His disciples? Your commitment and care for your spouse is like Jesus washing the disciples’ dirty feet.

Those roads in Jerusalem were dusty and mixed with animal droppings. Sandaled feet were gross when they reached their destination! Multiply that times twelve. No wonder no one jumped for the washbowl and basin.

This life I lead, well, it’s not the fulfillment of all my hopes and dreams. Some of them have been crushed along the way.

But through this crushing I’ve come to understand so much more vividly the compassion and self-sacrificial love of Jesus for broken people. Dusty people. Sometimes self-focused. Face it. When you’re tired and especially hurting bodily, it’s hard not to be centered on making life less miserable for yourself.

Compassion for the hurting is a theme I can’t get away from. Compassion goes viral when there’s a precious, beautiful little child involved.

Not so much when it involves an aged senile person or someone suffering a lengthy chronic illness (though we have been blown away by the kindness of friends and church family).

My mom and sister have the care of my bedridden, aged, and often combative and senile grandmother. There’s nothing pretty about their daily job for the past three years now. The diapers, the laundry, the schedule that’s always tied down.

It’s a load I can do little to lighten. My own hands have been full.

Mom and sis are some of the most beautiful ladies I know. Their compassion and care continue to inspire me. Knowing that others are in the trenches faithfully showing compassion reminds me that this is life worth living.

Other beautiful women have served Jesus in the hidden byways: Ruth serving Naomi, Gladys Alyward saving hundreds of orphans, those who served the leper colonies, halfway house workers, Amy Carmichael rescuing sex-trafficked young girls in India, a list of Jesus-followers that grows by the day!

Caregiving seems way less glamorous than the list above, right? It’s certainly not romantic. But the God of all comfort, the Father of mercies sees and knows.

When you show kindness for the “least of these”, you do this for Christ. You and I become more like Christ. Being like Christ! Now isn’t this life’s ultimate goal — the fulfillment of all of your dreams and mine?  If I really stop to remember this, it fills my heart with such hope! His good work in and through me goes on.

 Praying you wake up tomorrow with courage and strength to face a new week in Jesus’ name.

Judgment that will bring JOY!

” Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter.” ( I Peter 4:16)

Care-giving spouses , those who are true believers, are committed to their marriages. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that marriage is under assault.  Someone I know recently lost  their marriage due to their own chronic illness.  The media messages bombard us with thoughts that “you deserve better”,  “life is what you make it”, and “make your own happiness”  regardless of whom you trample on along the way.

Eleven-plus years of marriage to an unemployed, chronically ill man whose illnesses are painful, discouraging, and demoralizing is not what I signed up for!  But when Christ called me out of darkness into His marvelous loving light, I received love I didn’t deserve and forgiveness I could never repay. In my marriage, I have an every single day opportunity to love without repayment.

I could abandon my marriage and probably find fun, fulfillment, and lots of the “pleasures of sin” for a season.  But I know this truth; you reap what you sow (eventually, if not in this life, in eternity for certain).  Temporary pleasures vs. eternal rewards?  Seems like a no-brainer to me.  Easy? Fun?  Not by a long shot!  There are certainly days when I wonder how much longer I can do this, days when I just don’t want to do this at all, anymore, or ever again!

When you are tempted to look elsewhere for joy, companionship, and just a bit of normal, marital fun,  remember Who has promised never to leave or or forsake His own.  Maybe we wives of the chronically ill will show this mixed up world what true love looks like. Maybe they will see in our every day commitment  the covenant love that God has promised His own down the the annals of history.

“But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen”  (I Peter 5:10-11)

The last judgment will be a judgment that will bring joy to all true believers. They will hear those precious words, ‘Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom;’ ” 

J. C. Ryle