A Shot in the Arm for Wives of Chronically Ill Husbands…

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-story-of-ian-larissa

Ladies,

Here is a link, a blog website with a video file that I highly recommend you listen to and read. The key message is that marriage for a Christian is a means to glorify Christ. Without Him, we can do nothing. Larissa chose to become wife to a chronically ill/disabled man. Very , very few of us made that choice. Instead, we found ourselves very reluctantly put into that position.

We NOW have a choice. Do I remain committed? Do I obey Christ by keeping my marriage covenant?  Do I remember that this life is only a temporary but important portal into the next, everlasting life?

We don’t want to remain parked in the “will I stay committed ” stage.  Like stages of grief, we need to move on. Christ speaks of a life of abundance and joy in His presence. Psalm 16:11  I loved Ian and Larissa’s Board of Gratitude!  I find myself repeatedly returning to this theme!  Philippians is a book written to suffering believers, and yet they are commanded to “rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice.”  There is ALWAYS, always, always something to be thankful for. The very air I breathe is a gift from God.  My level of deservedness is nothing.  God owes me nothing.   I, in fact, deserve His wrath, condemnation, and judgment.

If you have question about my previous statements, please do feel free to e-mail or comment. We are in this together, and should be willing to lend a listening ear and give a prayerful answer.

How you can help your chronically ill friend, part 1

How you can help your chronically ill friend, part 1.

How you can help your chronically ill friend, part 1

 Being a good friend to a chronically ill person is simply equivalent to being a loving Christian.  Unfortunately, chronic illness is often an invisible illness until it progresses to the state of absolutely life-threatening.  A dear friend of mine has undergone lung transplants twice. However, her autoimmune illness was virtually ignored by her own primary doctor and she experienced being accused of “faking” her illness or that it was “all in her head.”  She transferred to a much more proactive doctor in sheer desperation. Shockingly, she was given six months to live unless they could do a lung transplant. At this point, there were some Christians who truly owed her an apology.  Please don’t put yourself in that position with your chronically ill friend.  A few ways to be a true friend include:

• Assume your friend is telling the truth about his/her symptoms.

• Don’t imagine that you can cure your friend unless perhaps you are a specialist in the particular area of illness that he is experiencing.

• Be very careful about what and how you disseminate information about your friend’s condition.

Matthew Henry on the sin of gossip:

“It is required of us that we be tender of the good name of our brethren; where we cannot speak well, we had better say nothing than speak evil; we must not take pleasure in making known the faults of others, divulging things that are secret, merely to expose them, nor in making more of their known faults than really they deserve, and, least of all, in making false stories, and spreading things concerning them of which they are altogether innocent. What is this but to raise the hatred and encourage the persecutions of the world, against those who are engaged in the same interests with ourselves, and therefore with whom we ourselves must stand or fall? Consider you are brethren.”

Impossible Faith

Another of the countrified  sayings I grew up with  was, “When the going gets tough, then the tough GET GOING.”  One way to haul yourself out the miserable muck of self-pity and unbelief is to park in Hebrews 11 for a while. God has called all His beloved children to a life of faith and obedience.

 Examples of extreme faith abound in Hebrews 11.  Noah built an ark that took one hundred years to complete. It was impossible to hide!  Since the Genesis record shows no account of oceans at this time, but a vapor canopy that watered the earth, the ark was a totally unique and monstrous structure. It certainly piqued the curiosity of his neighbors. And as you know, people will talk. “That fool, Noah, is wasting so much of his life.”  Noah used his ark building project as  a springboard for preaching righteousness.

Perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching tests of faith is the experience of Abraham being commanded to offer up his long-awaited son of promise, Isaac.  He so totally believed God that he counted on Isaac’s resurrection!   He had never seen or experienced resurrection himself. 

In reading book reviews of books written for caregivers of chronically ill husbands,  it was difficult to find a Biblical perspective on the unique temptations we wives face. Once couple agreed that the wife could have a sexual partner on the side as long as the husband never knew about it.   I know that many of you struggle not only with finances, relationships with others,  but also physical deprivation.  Some of you work long hours to provide for your family and your man doesn’t have even have an ounce of affection  to give after his struggles with pain and depression. Extreme selfishness is a temptation that the chronically ill/disabled  often battle, too.  Our men can get mired in self-pity and unbelief in their own fiery trial of faith.  They can fail to see and try to meet the needs of their wives.

God has called us to holiness. He specifically forbids adultery and fornication. Faith and obedience require us to spurn the advice of the world to seek other sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.  I have wept and prayed for some dear sisters in my on-line group who struggle so fiercely with these areas of temptation.

It takes gritty faith to maintain that commitment that God requires in marriage. He doesn’t allow for  us to wiggle out, unlike the “no-fault” divorce.  He expects us to learn to love as He has relentlessly loved us. When we do, we show our love and gratitude for His gift of eternal life.

I have been blessed with a man who loves to show affection.  However,  we have to struggle with many physical constraints on our marriage.  The eyes of faith help me to see that this life is quickly passing away.  Deprivation of any sort is a temporary condition.  There is a great day of pure love and joy coming at the throne of the King of Kings.  Meanwhile, we have heroes of faith to help light our path.  Who is your favorite Hebrews 11 hero? 

“Without faith it is impossible to please…God.” Heb. 11:6    “With God all things are possible.”

Courageous for our Children…

“If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  What a zinger of a little axiom! My daughter’s mood can so easily be affected by my mood. Remaining joyful, triumphant, and encouraged is the challenge that God has placed on my plate.  He clearly commands it. Phillipians was a book written to a group of suffering saints. “Rejoice in the LORD always, and again I say rejoice.”  

Whining and complaining were constant themes in the life of the children of Israel. I catch my daughter whining more than I would like, and it drives me CRAZY at times. So, despite the enormity of challenges in being a caregiving wife, I would bend my knees and ask to be a continually grateful Child of the King.

“For I reckon that the sufferings of this present life are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

My goal and prayer this week, this month, this year is that I would have an attitude of gratitude. May it be very contagious!  Happy momma, happy child, happy home!  How would you like to be happy, too?

 

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IF YOU’RE HAPPY and YOU KNOW IT…

Courageous for the Chronically Ill

Recently we were invited to a dinner and movie night for  Christian couples.  The movie pick was Courageous. In a day of feminism run amuck, it was a truly inspiring view. Many women are longing for such a reformation in their spouse. Perhaps this movie will be the catalyst for some to take hold of the courage commanded in Joshua chapter I.

Where does that leave those of us women who have been forced into the role of breadwinner?  Our hunky husbands are very often in bed on pain meds.  Inferiority and depression can quickly set in after watching such brawny, courageous male leaders.

Different circumstances require different kinds of courage. If we look carefully, we will often catch glimpse of the courage that enables someone with a chronic degenerate illness to tackle a new project or just get out of bed and make it to church when he can barely move. My husband has been blessed with a chronic sunniness along with his illnesses that is often mistaken for feeling well. He deals with our energetic seven year old with lots of humor and patience.

Many of your husbands struggle with chronic depression. Perhaps just taking that step to talk to a pastor or friend will be his next step of courage.  Living with chronic illness is not for cowards. Maybe next blog I will tackle courageous for women. My experience has been that some of you are among the most courageous women I have met.  Meanwhile, what steps of courage, albeit seemingly miniscule, can you encourage your man to take?

A Friend Who sticks closer than a brother…

I have a brother who is lost to me at this moment. Though as far as I know, he is still alive. I cannot call or e-mail him. Every card or letter I send never gets a response in kind. I cannot even confirm he is still at the current address. Given our financial circumstances, I cannot even hire a private eye to find him.  As far as I know, I have never so wounded him as to elicit this sort of cold shoulder. He shuns our entire side of the family. It wounds me deeply, but I keep his photo on my dresser as a reminder to pray.  While there is life, there is hope.

Family and friends, including myself in the equation, are prone to be fickle. So many chronically ill men have trouble maintaining lasting friendships. I am very, very grateful that my husband has a couple long-term friends who regularly call or e-mail him. Since much of the male psyche revolves around their God-given role as provider, it is difficult for him to relate to men even in our church. Conversations among men springboard from work-related topics.  For those who do not know, or just cannot understand my husband’s illnesses, there is a natural stigma involved with his inability to work.  “But you look so good!” This phrase is very, very familiar to those of us with chronic invisible illnesses.  Rest Ministries.org has documented this very well , as well as their sister web-site, www.invisibleillness.com.

Sigh! It does indeed take a very patient, caring male to befriend someone who is chronically ill. We wives have enough trouble with our patience levels, and we understand what our husbands’ struggles are more than anyone on earth. Thus, the verse in Proverbs speaks poignantly to this issue, “there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother.” ( I need to look up the reference for you next time…). When my husband mourns the loss of social contact and the awkwardness in relating to other “normal” men, here is where I can encourage him with profound hope.  So many promises speak to the poor, needy, and seemingly forsaken.  “I will never leave you , nor forsake you.” I will hopefully send some more promises your way soon.  A blessed evening to you…

Take time for beauty…

A Beautiful day in Appalachia

While cleaning on my job this morning I was randomly listening to a tv show called something like Doctors. As he spoke to the audience about how we are so stressed we don’t even take time to breathe, I noticed the glorious blue sky filtered by the bare winter woods. He instructed the audience to stop right there and take three deep breaths. I did, while gazing at the beautiful wooded back yard where I worked today. Breathing deeply did feel good, but will certainly not take care of the real stresses in life.

God instructs us to “Be still and I know that I am God.” Some days this is so very hard to do. Most of my “be still time” is while I am driving, and must also pay attention to traffic.  But when I do give the Lord a concerted effort to listen quietly to His Word, I find His beauty thrills my soul.

Return, O Lord! How long?

And have compassion on Your servants.

Oh, satisfy us early with Your mercy,

That we may be glad and rejoice all our days!

Make us glad according to the days in which you have afflicted us,

The years in which we have seen evil.

Let Your work appear to Your servants, and Your glory to their children.

And let the beauty of the Lord be upon us,

And establish the work of our hands for us;

Yes, establish the work of our hands.

Psalm 90:13-17

But for the grace of God…

Hello , again!

On this Lord’s day I have tried time and again to post a link to a recent article written by a journalist from Good Morning, America, and posted on front page Yahoo a few weeks ago. It is very pertinent to the topic of this blog… wives dealing with long-term chronically ill husbands. So I am copying and pasting it here:

http://gma.yahoo.com/wife-slips-madness-husband-dies-brain-tumor-170825388–abc-news.html

“Nothing is impossible with God.” This Biblical phrase gets tossed around tritely too often. If you think about in carefully, the reverse is also true: “Everything is impossible without God.” Our Savior stated this fact, “Without Me, you can do nothing. As the branch cannot bear fruit, except it abide in the vine, no more can you, except you abide in Me.”

My heart weeps for Mrs. Graves. She was dealing with a nearly impossible situation with little to no help.  No wonder she lost her mind. I pray she finds true health and healing from the Great Physician.

In contrast, I just read a letter from a lady on my online support group- husbandwithillness@yahoogroups.com.  Her husband died of a heart attack unexpectedly after dealing with twenty years of chronic pain. This dear lady was faithful to her marriage commitment. Though recovering from severe exhaustion, she radiates the triumph of life and hope in Christ.  I thank her for her words of hope and her faithful example. “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.”